Mandatory Bicycle Recycling

Just to remind you that as from today you must take all non-essential bicycles down to your nearest collection point, and hand them over to government-trained bicycle collectors (the photo shows one such facility outside Cambridge station). Expensive bicycles will be particularly welcome. Invoking the war-time spirit, this is so the metal parts can be turned into essential medical equipment, in an emergency-measures contract offered to the Heath-Robinson company. Tyres will be turned into reusable personal hygiene devices, to address supermarket shortages.

If you believe your bicycle is essential, you must complete a 150 page e-form, print it off, and return it with 3 kg of supporting paperwork by lunchtime.

Stay safe, and remember that a bike will help keep you smiling in these distressing times. We hope you and your friends and family are surviving them.